Event 2 Announcement

The second event of the Grudgeathlon will be Ten Pin Bowling to be held at 7pm Friday evening, November 2nd, at the Park Royal Bowl, somewhere in west London. i.e. here.

Pre match entertainment will be commencing around 4pm at the Sticky Beaver of Kingsbury, i.e. The George.

This is an asbolutely crucial event for one of our competitors, who cannot afford to drop 2-0 down, so make sure you get down to the pre match session and fire him up with a few turbo shandy's beforehand.

Word on the street is that Tomas' grandfather, alleged ex champion ski jumper whom the GTP dined with in the Czech Republic was not in fact a ski jumper, but a champion ten pin bowler. He spent the lunch giving Tomas a few handy tips whilst Tomas' grandmother fattened ASBO up for the kill with a few extra serves of dumplings. The Grudgemeister can reveal this after discovering the photo below behind all the alleged 'ski jumping' trophies.

Tomas' grandfather on the way to winning the Czech all comers title.

Grudgeathlon in Czech - Report #3

A few questions remain from the previous posting, namely:

Will the Grudgemeister again bring shame on himself and pass out on the bar?

Grudgey down for the count, with the AG looking to sleaze into pole on the Grudge Grid.

Grudgey wasn't actually sleeping last evening, it was his way of communicating to others in the Grudge Touring Party, ASBO excepted, who must be on amphetamines or something, the fate that awaited them later on.

24 hours is a long time in a Grudgeathlon.
Grudgey back on form, giving it to Tomas and Brad with both barrels.
Georgia looks on approvingly as she pours a couple more beavers.

Will 35 pop up on roulette?

It did, several times, and the AG can thank his lucky stars for that. Grudgey, ever mindful of the health and vitality of members of the Grudge Touring Party, had to escort the AG back to Maison Tomas after the AG's over exuberant celebration of Arsenals 7-0 rogering of Slavia Prague left him in no fit state to continue his Grudge duties.

Is Angelina Jolie gonna hook back up with Brad in the Chinese casino?

Angelina Jolie, Tomas and Brad in happier times.

Angelina didn't make it to the Chinese casino that night, but I'd reckon she was just spending the evening recharging her batteries and making herself more beautiful for her Operation Iraqi Freedom style assualt on one of our Grudgeathlon competitors the following night. Will Angelina cause George Bush to roll out the Mission Accomplished banner in her honour on the USS Lincoln? Stay tuned to find out.

Will the Bushmeister roll out the banner tomorrow?

Will Tomas head back to the Sticky Beaver?

ASBO going the reverse four finger double sleaze grope on an unsuspecting Bara

Tomas didn't make it back to the Sticky Beaver, none of us did. Those who hadn't already pegged out or weren't interested in sweeping the cobwebs off Bara's front bum with their tongue or nob staggered off to the Choceň Sports Bar, a late night establishment offering remarkably similar entertainment options to the Chinese casino. ASBO's initial reconnaissance mission on Bara obviously wasn't too successful, as he appeared half an hour later at the Sports Bar with Bara in tow, the dopey look on his face suggesting that it's true Australians have no plan B when it comes to the art of seduction. Well, they kind of do. I think it's down another pint and try the same tactics again. Result, you guessed it, ASBO again failed to land the crucial dart when required.

Bara makes one last play for Brad before giving ASBO the sayonara, whilst Tomas reminds ASBO of the present scoreline in the Grudgeathlon,. Grudgemeister has Georgia on his mind, perhaps, or at least another beer..

Does Brad Pitt really have Georgia on his Mind?

No, but he left 300 photos of her on the Grudgemeisters camera, which took a little explaining to Mrs Grudgey upon the GM's return to Grudge Manor in Cricklewood. Mrs Grudge does has a sense of humour, it's just unfortunate 300 photos of a barmaid doesn't seem to bring on the mirth. There's always next time I suppose!

Georgia, barmaid at the Irish Bar, texting 0845-GRUDGE to get the latest on the Grudgeathlon.

Eventually, Tomas decided. as the Grudgemeister did the previous evening (or morning), that kipping in a bed is way more comfortable that catching a few ZZZZZZZ's at the bar. ASBO and the GM figured another couple of pints were in order and after settling the enormous bar tab with Georgia, dragged Brad out into the Choceň morning rush hour, back to Maison Tomas for a breakfast of Bard's favourites, pickled sausage and vegetables washed down with a glass of the pickling solution.

The GM needed a kip, as he had a plane to catch in Praha later that day.

G Day Report # 2

After the carnage of last night's piss poor effort to go bike riding, the Grudgemeister layed down the law. The Grudgeathlon would be started before sun up Wednesday, or a forfeit handing ASBO a 1-0 lead would be ordered. No more bullshit excuses like "There used to be a dart board here" acceptable.

The day started fairly early, around 17.00 when we headed off to Choceň town for a feed. One cannot throw up on an empty stomach, you know. Steak, pizza, you name it, Brad consumed everyone's leftovers before breaking the Czech national tiger parking record. Then it was off to the Sticky Beaver to watch the might of Slavia Prague take on Arsenal.

Sticky Beaver preparing a few brews for the boys.

Was Arsenals 7-0 thumping a taste of things to come in the Grudgeathlon, or would the local boy make full use of home advantage and DESTROY ASBO? Time would tell, but I was getting pretty shit faced waiting to find out.

Around half time, Bara turned up, a saucy Czech ice maiden who had spent the last 10 years spurning the non stop advances of Brad Pitt whilst allowing him the privilege of passing out in her bath tub. ASBO's nob radar immediately clicked into gear, still desperate for a root despite getting blanked by Angelina Jolie in the Chinese casino the previous evening.

The full time whistle blew at Emirates, completing the kind of hammering of the Czechs that ASBO had in mind for Bara a little later on that evening. Still, the night was young, and we headed off to finally get the darts underway.

In front of a packed house, including Bad Boy Bubby, Tomas won the toss and fired away. Using a little bit more science in his approach than ASBO, who to be truthful, seemed a little more interested in finding out if he could double in on Bara. Perhaps it was all part of Tomas' master plan, using Bara to distract ASBO whilst Tomas kept his eye on the prize.

At any rate, Toms easily won the first leg to take the lead in this best of three leg game of 'cricket' darts.

ASBO changed tactics for the second leg, and actually hit the lead at one point, before Brad Pitt, coming to the aid of his fellow countryman, tried to reverse stooge ASBO on the Bara front. ASBO, figuring he'd be able to come back from a 1-0 deficit in the Grudgeathlon, wasn't gonna blow his best chance at a Czech flag in ages,promptly crumbled under Tomas' dead eye shooting, then released some 'cloudiness powder' into Brad Pitts beer.

Brad, who moments earlier was extolling the virtues of the Nocni Bar beer, started to complain but the manager was in no mood for some Hollywood style bullshit. Not sure what fuck off is in Czech, but I'm fairly confident I heard it said a few times to Brad in the next couple of minutes.. Back to the Chinese casino bar then, Tomas to enjoy the fruits of victory, ASBO to settle in for the nights real challenge, getting a root outta Bara.

Bara leaving the scene of Tomas' triumph, with ASBO in hot pursuit.

More to follow, as the night was not even half over by this stage. Will the Grudgemeister again bring shame on himself and pass out on the bar? Will 35 pop up on roulette? Is Angelina Jolie gonna hook back up with Brad in the Chinese casino? Will Tomas head back to the Sticky Beaver? Does Brad Pitt really have Georgia on his Mind? These questions, and more, will be answered in the next post...stay tuned folks.

G Day Report

G Day stands for Gay Day...... so says the assistant Grudgemeister, and he wasn't far wrong. A day that promised so much in the end delivered three parts of bugger all.

The AG leading from the front....

To begin, the boys had the honor of 'teaching' an English class at the local high school. Let's just say all high schools should be this good. ASBO was unable to communicate, a mutant beast incapable of speech, being left to dribble as he czeched out the racks on the local underage totty. Not sure what these girlies eat for breakfast, but they do not want for milk. The AG stunned the audience with his mastery of the Czech language, responding to a question "What do you do for fun?" with "You!". That poor girl was apparently Sticky Beavers little sister, but more on that later.

A lunch at Tomas grandparents, followed by an impromptu accordion concert which had ASBO polka crazy, we went in search of coke. Seemed like Choceň is a Pepsi town.

Following his sterling performance in front of 22 nubile Czech wenches, the AG retired to the Grudge suite for a bit of R and R. Grudgemeister and the two competitors headed off in the GrudgeSkoda to find Brad Pitt, on location in a town not far away.

Brad Pitt, on location...beer in hand, porno on PC....what life!

After hooking up with Brad, and taking tea with Brads mum and dad, who incidentally, is the scale king of Czech, we rolled back to TomasTown to pick up the AG and head off into the night. The boys made a bee line for Club Sticky Beaver, a potato pancakery with possibly the happiest waitress this side of Mick Hills missus after the AG has dropped over. The AG entertained the locals by explaining how Santa Claus lost the league for Arsenal in 1999.

400 beers and 2 quid later, with the come hither smile of Sticky Beaver indelibly etched in our minds, we trudged off into the balmy evening to Chinatown, a seedy Russian mafia run gambling den whose roulette wheel refused to allow the ball to drop on 35, despite Grudgemeister investing a fortune on the possibility such an event occuring. ASBO used his best Czech to chat up the town bike and his abo thieving skills to tea leaf a few baguettes from behind the bar. Grudgey, distraught after losing small fortune, passed out at the bar after muliple semtex infusions. Brad Pitt was in his element, playing wingman to ASBOs increasingly desperate efforts to impregnate the local slapper, Angelina Jolie. The AG had meanwhile cleaned up on roulette, and Tomas still, after 12 hours of trying, been unable locate a working dart board and darts to allow the Grudgeathlon to commence.

In short, it was a day like any other. We got shit faced, and the Grudgeathlon was what its always been, a couple of pissed twats talking bullshit.

G Day is here

The lads have made it over, arriving in TomasTown around 2am. Amazingly, ASBO made it through 8 security checks, resisted the urge to piss on 6 police stations and said sorry to 145 people over the course of the journey.

As far a a pitch report goes, it is officially bollock crunchingly freezing here.

As always, reports to follow, stay tuned folks.......

oh, and look at all the extra letter on a Czech keyboard, ýžáříšéěěčřčžřžýžááí which means ASBO is doomed.

Let the games commence!

After weeks on anticipation, the day is approaching. It's G-Day minus one. The official Grudgeathlon party will meet at a local public house to finalise any outstanding matters, then it's off via the Grudge Motorcade to the airport, where Grudgeair Flight 001 will whisk the lads over to Czech.

The Grudge motorcade heading up the M1 to Luton Airport

The first event of the Grudgeathlon, Darts Czech style, is set for Monday night. Stay tuned for results, as well as photos and video of the big event. There's also the possibility of, if we cn get the competitors pissed enough, to have a go at chin ups, table football and the 50m swim across the Vltava River.



The talking is about to finish, it's time for our big he-men to put up, or shut up.

Grudgeathlon Shock #2 - ASBO arrested?

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, this text arrived in the Grudgemeisters inbox :

From: ASBO
Spent a little bit of time in the police station last night for pissing in public. How was I to know I was pissing on the Police Station?

OFFICIAL GRUDGEMEISTER VERDICT: No case to answer, ASBO has said sorry.

Grudgeathlon Shock - Tomas to 'Czech' Out?

Thanks to the intrepid investigative skills of one Kiwi Grudgeathlon fan (who, let's face it, has had sweet FA to do since the All Blacks got dumped on their arses in the RWC by the froggies), the future of the Grudgeathlon has been put in doubt following revelations that Tomas has been 'pretending' to be Czech, thus breaking Grudgeathlon rule 44b, paragraph 4, subsection 8 which states:

No competitor in the Grudgeathlon is allowed to bullshit about what country he is from.

To summarise....

The charge:

Tomas is not Czech, but Liechtensteinian.

The evidence:

Tomas is playing football for Liechtenstein, possibly the only country in the world smaller than the Czech Republic, apart from San Marino which isn't really a country at all, just an excuse to get two F1 races a year in Italy.

I quote.....

Iceland, who secured a fine win at Northern Ireland at the start of qualifying, suffered an embarrassing 3-0 away defeat to lowly Liechtenstein.

Mario Frick's first half goal put the minnows in front and they had few thoughts of sitting back on their advantage.

A late brace from Tomas Bek sealed a rare win in a competitive encounter for Liechtenstein.

Story in full

Yes, I know it's hard to believe on so many levels.
Firstly, Liechtenstein win a game, secondly Tomas can play football, and thirdly he scored, twice! (The Grudgemeister does note however, neither goal was scored with his head, so are not anywhere near the quality of the Grudgemeisters strike at Kingsbury last year!)

The process:

The Grudgeathlon appeals tribunal is looking into the matter as we speak. They are taking the charge very seriously, so seriously in fact, that they have decided to adjourn to the pub for deliberations and buy their own beer, sending the message loud and clear that Bribe Pints will not sway their deliberations on this most serious matter. Tomas has until closing time to submit the necessary paperwork, and it would be in his interest if this paperwork consisted of large quantities of unmarked notes in a brown paper satchel.

The verdict:

To be announced.......stay tuned Grudgeathlon Nation

OFFICIAL GRUDGEMEISTER VERDICT: No case to answer. Dual nationality is a true sign of genius. Welcome to the club!

Training Update #2

Well, a weekend has passed, and, I hear you all wondering, (I'm assuming the clunks I hear are the rusty cogs in your mind, not mine, attempting to slip into gear in the absence of sufficient lubrication) what have our two Grudgepetitors been up to?

The Grudgemeister can report the following, thanking various spies for the information.

Tomas spent the weekend wandering from public house to public house, taking on all comers (really only two pissed Aussies with no interest in the rugby or football) and giving them an abso-bloody-loot lesson in the art of arrows. Bonus points for identifying the two Aussies Tomas rooted on the oche. My money is on George Gregan and Steve Larkham, as they had bugger all to do on the weekend apart from drown their sorrows and have their arses handed to them, again!

Tomas' darts coach, D'Artagnan
showing Tomas correct balance at the oche

Tomas definitely looks the goods for the Darts match, which I can announce, will be held in the Czech Republic at some point during the period between the 21st to 24th of October. The Grudgemeister, and assistant Grudgemeister will be present to adjudicate on any of the finer points of Grudgeathlon law, as well as accept Bribe Pints.

Noting the cost of a pint in Czech is about 50p both competitors should take heed that it will take five Czech Bribe Pints to secure the same 'impartial' ruling as one UK Bribe Pint. The Guinness Bribe Pint exchange rate is yet to be calculated, but will be posted. Suffice to say, it may require the payment of several Guinness Bribe Pints before an actual official exchange rate can be established. Grudgepetitors may attempt to set up a Guinness Bribe Pint futures option with their local publican.

ASBO jetted off to España , eventually. His purpose was not known at the time, but the Grudgemeister can exclusively reveal, without breaking any Cone of Silence, that ASBO went in search of sausage. Spanish sausage, to be precise. Chorizo.

ASBO in full Chorizo regalia

What special powers does the consumption of such a sausage endow the consumer with? The Grudgemeister is not sure, and would appreciate suggestions from the Grudgeathlon fans out there..or should that be the Nation of Grudgeathlon, as to what particular purpose ASBO has in mind with his sausage.

Is it smoked, and did he smoke it? How did he 'cure' his sausage?, if in fact, his sausage was sick? If his sausage was wilting, what disease did it have?

Members of the Grudgeathlon nation, over to you.

Training report

We've gained access to ASBO's secret laboratory, where his infinite scientific knowledge is put to use producing a variety of 'energy' supplements and 'dietary' additives that completely stooge the bozos in charge of drug testing. Marion Jones refused to take on the ASBO challenge, and look at her now! Flo Jo.. did she take drugs?.....well, let's just say ASBO got an A for his Year 3 Science project in 1988.

Click to view inside ASBO's secret 'health' drink factory.

ASBO is keen, here he is, supping his secret jungle juice, the very essence of his superpowers. I don't know what Tomas will be thinking when he sees this, but be afraid son, be very afraid!

Looks like Tomas may have to do more than practice one on one basketball against girls!

The Combatants....Who are they?

Introducing, in the Czech corner, the one and only

Tomas "I will DESTROY you" Bek.

Fresh from an intensive course the ancient martial art of D-struk-shun in Japan, the pride of the Czechs was able to test out his recently acquired 8th Dan skills on the baggage handlers from Air France who lost his luggage.

Suffice to say, those froggies are still nursing broken bones. On the said incident, Tomas was quoted as saying "...anyone can get into a fight on the tube when they're half cut, it takes a real MAN to terminate more baggage handlers in half an hour than Heathrow has managed in four years of voluntary redundancy packages."

Looks like ASBO might have repeated his 8 plates of prawns effort at the all you can eat seafood palace in Brisvegas..... i.e. bitten off more than he can chew.

In the green and gold corner, let's hear it for the Beast of Brisvegas,

Ben "ASBO" Clancy

Many moons ago, Britain sent the dirtiest, filthiest roughest and toughest out to Oz. Two hundred years of controlled criminal breeding has produced ASBO, a man who'd spit on you as soon as look at you, then follow up with a left right combination before kneeing you in the nuts to finish you off.

As the reigning Grudgeathlon champ of the southern hemisphere, ASBO knows this will be no pushover. More than likely, he'll just have to wait a few minutes before the gentlest of breezes send the geek from Czech crashing to the floor, begging for mercy.

Fear? He can't spell the word. Surrender? He thinks there might be a u in it somewhere, but can't be sure. In fact, name a word, he can't spell it! ASBO is detemined to make Tomas eat his words, which means Tomas will be eating a lot of z's, c's and k's as that's all the Czech alphabet seems to consist of.

The Events

1. Darts - 501
Let's get this event off to a flyer, 501 darts, best of 3 legs. Drinking before, during and after this event is to be actively encouraged. If it looks like 180 to you, it probably is! Hitting a double is much easier if you've been drinking them for a couple of hours too!

2. Ten Pin Bowling
Just an excuse to see the two gladiators go round in stupid shoes with their IQ's embroidered on them.

3. Table Top Football
ASBO claims to be the intercontinental tag team champion of this event. Is he correct, or just supreme bullshitter? We can't wait to find out.

4. 50m Sprint Swimming
Any style you like, as you're not likely to end up drowning yourself. Big question is, will the wimps go for a heated pool, or are they gonna show true mettle and conduct this event in the Hampstead Ponds sometime in January?

5. Chin ups
Reverse Czech style, pop til ya drop. Last man hanging on will win this one.

6. Golf
9 holes, pitch and put matchplay. What could be simpler? This event has been cut down from 36 holes, as it will take several hours to explain to the two Einsteins how matchplay works.

7. Boules
Bocce, Petanque, Kubb..... you probably know it as that silly game foreigners and yuppie artheads who deserve to die play. Hopefully we'll get out of this one without ASBO launching a boule at some unsuspecting member of the public.

8. Aussie Rules Kickoff
Yup, it's that famous game played by Czechs the world over, slightly modified to give ASBO a fighting chance. 10 shots at goal from 30 metres, if tied after that, sudden death.

9. Basketball
One on one self refereed challenge. I can see this one ending in tears, or at the very least a punch up. My money is on ASBO racking up the personal fouls and getting himself booted out of the game inside 30 seconds.

10. Darts-Cricket
No idea how this works, but I believe this is based on the ancient Czech game of crziikkryykzest. (Pronounced cricket in a Czech accent).

The Grudgeathlon

It's a battle of strength, endurance, courage, guile, intelligence and drunken pride. Well, it's really only about drunken pride. Two competitors, the finest physical and intellectual specimens their respective nations have produced will battle it out over a series of 10 events.

Tomas "I will destroy you" Bek, the pride of the Czech republic will take on the champion of the antipodes, Australia's own Ben "ASBO" Clancy in no holds barred sporting extravaganza of Himalayan proportions.

The winner of this, the most difficult 10 events not included on the Olympic Games roster, will claim the ultimate prize in sports. No mere piece of silverware, a zillion dollar purse or the hand of the prettiest maiden in the land is worthy to be the prize of this titanic sporting tussle. (though let's face it, both lads wouldn't know silver from 304 grade stainless steel, a zillion Zimbabwe dollars is only worth £.0.50, and we're unlikely to find a maiden dopey enough to go for it anyway)

The prize, the Auld Mug of the Grudgethlon, is a keg of beer of the winners choice. Considering the origins of this event, no prize could be more apt.