Now is the winter of our disgrudgetent
Made glorious summer by this sun of Choceň;
And all the clouds that lowered upon our czech-house
In the deep bosom of the stork.
Now are our brows bound with victorias wreaths,
Our bruised arms hung up for chin ups not,
Our staropramens changed to merry meetings,
Our dreadful marches to the Restaurace U Vrány.
Grim-visaged lager hath smoothed his wrinkled front,
And now, instead of mounting barbed kundicka
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
He capers nimbly in a lady's chamber
To the lascivious pleasing of Kundra.
So wrote Shakespeare all those years ago in his tragedy, Grudgard III. Scholars (and schoolkids) have been trying to figure out what the fuck Shakey was on about in this piece ever since the prick put away his quill and sent his play off to his agent with the covernote saying "Don't get screwed on the royalty deal this time fuck features, or I'll have to come down to London and give you a good old fashioned kicking in the cod piece!"
It can now be revealed Shakespeare was doing a Nostrildamus... predicting the future by collecting his snot over the period of a week, rolling it into a massive ball and flicking it onto his kitchen splashboard. By detecting the asymmetrical patterns formed by said splattered bogey, WS saw that the Grudgeathlon was gonna be a futile exercise, Why? Well, to cut a long story short, it's because......
1. Planned summer Grudge events in Czech were cancelled because Dr Evil had ASBO out on the piss til 3am the night before the Grudgeair flight to Choceň, getting him so wankered he fell over on the way home and sprained his ankle. How that prevents one doing chin ups I'm not sure (I've never done one, so how the fuck would I know?) but it did, so the Choceň grudge events were cancelled, leaving us to spend our time there getting shitfaced. Nice work Dr Evil.
2. "Oooooooooooh, I have to work at Giraffe!" Ever heard that before? I guess not, because Grudgemeister has heard it enough times for all of you. Anytime a grudge event was 'locked in', to the agreement of all concerned, I'd get a call off the Cheating Czech and guess what he'd say......yes, you guessed it....."Oooooooooooh, I have to work at Giraffe!"
3. You ain't getting off this lightly on the squib out score either ASBO, as his version of the Giraffe call was..."Oooooooooooh, I have to work at Kensington!" Work???? pigs arse fat boy!.. though I guess if you call sitting on your clacker watching 5 hours of Simpson shows work, you could call it work.
4. The Australia trip..... Grudge Down Under. A fuck up from start to finish, with a travel itinerary designed by the same dickheads who built this little beauty.
The whole trip deserves a blog of it's own, but in summary, no fucking events took place despite the Grudgemeister booking the MCG for the Aussie Rules kick. We did, however, get the 'bonus' event of Grudgeathletes shagging each other, well, that's what it looked and sounded like to the Grudgemeister when he returned home from the pub to find Tomas and ASBO in flagrante delicto making sounds not unlike that emanating from a pair of homosexual fur seals butt raunching on an ice floe near the Tierra del Fuego on a stormy July evening. Not only that, it was happening in the Grudgemeisters bed!
Then we had the 'watch Tomas do his arse at the Caulfield races whilst ASBO trousers a big wedge off the bookies' game. Never throw good money after bad Tomas, especially on a short priced favourite.
Thailand. Get an aids test son.
5. They are both poofs.
6. They are both lazy.
7. They are both lazy poofs.
At any rate, there's a special weekend of Grudge planned for the 18th - 22nd of December, when ASBO is escorted onto a plane at Heathrow and returned from whence he came, as the pricks at the Home Office finally started putting my taxes to work and not giving the skivving prick an extension to his work permit.
The 18th is a special Grudgemas party event, where both competitors can gain plenty of points simply by indulging in traditional xmas party hi-jinks. All details have been relayed to competitors under the Cone of Silence
More details to follow.......
