Winter of DisGRUDGEtent

Now is the winter of our disgrudgetent
Made glorious summer by this sun of Choceň;
And all the clouds that lowered upon our czech-house
In the deep bosom of the stork.
Now are our brows bound with victorias wreaths,
Our bruised arms hung up for chin ups not,
Our staropramens changed to merry meetings,
Our dreadful marches to the Restaurace U Vrány.
Grim-visaged lager hath smoothed his wrinkled front,
And now, instead of mounting barbed kundicka
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
He capers nimbly in a lady's chamber
To the lascivious pleasing of Kundra.

So wrote Shakespeare all those years ago in his tragedy, Grudgard III. Scholars (and schoolkids) have been trying to figure out what the fuck Shakey was on about in this piece ever since the prick put away his quill and sent his play off to his agent with the covernote saying "Don't get screwed on the royalty deal this time fuck features, or I'll have to come down to London and give you a good old fashioned kicking in the cod piece!"

It can now be revealed Shakespeare was doing a Nostrildamus... predicting the future by collecting his snot over the period of a week, rolling it into a massive ball and flicking it onto his kitchen splashboard. By detecting the asymmetrical patterns formed by said splattered bogey, WS saw that the Grudgeathlon was gonna be a futile exercise, Why? Well, to cut a long story short, it's because......

1. Planned summer Grudge events in Czech were cancelled because Dr Evil had ASBO out on the piss til 3am the night before the Grudgeair flight to Choceň, getting him so wankered he fell over on the way home and sprained his ankle. How that prevents one doing chin ups I'm not sure (I've never done one, so how the fuck would I know?) but it did, so the Choceň grudge events were cancelled, leaving us to spend our time there getting shitfaced. Nice work Dr Evil.

2. "Oooooooooooh, I have to work at Giraffe!" Ever heard that before? I guess not, because Grudgemeister has heard it enough times for all of you. Anytime a grudge event was 'locked in', to the agreement of all concerned, I'd get a call off the Cheating Czech and guess what he'd say......yes, you guessed it....."Oooooooooooh, I have to work at Giraffe!"

3. You ain't getting off this lightly on the squib out score either ASBO, as his version of the Giraffe call was..."Oooooooooooh, I have to work at Kensington!" Work???? pigs arse fat boy!.. though I guess if you call sitting on your clacker watching 5 hours of Simpson shows work, you could call it work.

4. The Australia trip..... Grudge Down Under. A fuck up from start to finish, with a travel itinerary designed by the same dickheads who built this little beauty.

The whole trip deserves a blog of it's own, but in summary, no fucking events took place despite the Grudgemeister booking the MCG for the Aussie Rules kick. We did, however, get the 'bonus' event of Grudgeathletes shagging each other, well, that's what it looked and sounded like to the Grudgemeister when he returned home from the pub to find Tomas and ASBO in flagrante delicto making sounds not unlike that emanating from a pair of homosexual fur seals butt raunching on an ice floe near the Tierra del Fuego on a stormy July evening. Not only that, it was happening in the Grudgemeisters bed!

Then we had the 'watch Tomas do his arse at the Caulfield races whilst ASBO trousers a big wedge off the bookies' game. Never throw good money after bad Tomas, especially on a short priced favourite.

Thailand. Get an aids test son.

5. They are both poofs.

6. They are both lazy.

7. They are both lazy poofs.

At any rate, there's a special weekend of Grudge planned for the 18th - 22nd of December, when ASBO is escorted onto a plane at Heathrow and returned from whence he came, as the pricks at the Home Office finally started putting my taxes to work and not giving the skivving prick an extension to his work permit.

The 18th is a special Grudgemas party event, where both competitors can gain plenty of points simply by indulging in traditional xmas party hi-jinks. All details have been relayed to competitors under the Cone of Silence

More details to follow.......

Darts Report

Yup, it's 3-1 to the Czech, and ASBO is in a hole as big as, well, a real bloody big hole. I'm not sure if an extra spectator had any influence on the outcome, but both competitors were nervous and agitated in the presence of Stork.

The spectator causing nervous apprehension amongst Grudgeathletes.

Darts was 501, double out, best of 3 games. ASBO won the nearest to the bull, and had the first pop, and got away to a flyer. Tomas wasn't that far behind, and with ASBO on a finish, Tomas pulled a 100 pointer, then pegged out on a double 16 to stick it right up him, or, in a sense, return the compliment from the MasterCard ad

Scores on the doors, game 1 to Tomas

Game 2 went pretty much like the first, where the Cheating Czech just kept his nose in front, and when it came down to the all important finish, needing 43, Tomas plugged 11, took a sighter at double 16 then nailed it to finish off ASBO. The now traditional scenes of triumph from the winner and mindless violence from the loser followed. The Grudge party then retired to get shitfaced. Job done boys!

Scores on the doors, Game 2. Sayonara ASBO!

Victory for the Cheating Czech..3-1 up, ASBO in trouble. Stay tuned for more updates, and the final report on the last visit to Czech.

Darts on Friday 25th

Friday arvo, at the George in Kingsbury...the Summer of Grudge is upon us! Until then, a little something to whet the appetite....

Train to Choceň....100KčA big night on the piss in Choceň....300Kč Sticking it up your best mate's arse when he's pegged out at the bar........... Priceless!

For everything else, theres...

Swimming and Chin Up Report

With absolutely zilcho happening in regard to progress with the Grudgeathlon in the UK, the Grudge party decided to head over to Choceň and see if our two excusemakers would actually get on with the next events. The Grudge party consisted of the ASBO, Tomas, Grudgemeister and two assistant GM's, Stara and Kunda. All was set for a top 5 days of Grudging. No more excuses possible, these two Grudgepussies had to get it on, or forever wear a white feather.

Saturday dawned, and whilst the crew of GrudgeAir Flight001 went through their preliminary flight routine, and stocking the additional Guinness required by Stara and Kunda for the trip, tragedy once again crash landed smack bang in the middle of Grudgeland. Whilst Tomas slept soundly, dreaming of Storks, his brother, Dr Evil, got to work on sabotaging the Grudgeathlon.

Dr Evil - sorting out ASBO at the pre flight cocktail party?

As anyone who knows ASBO would vouch, the chances of him being caught leaving pub at 3am would be zero, but that's exactly what the Cheating Czechs had in mind. Tomas' plan was about to come to fruition. Dr Evil achieved the impossible. He had kept ASBO in a pub till 3ish, then, as they were leaving, put his brothers instructions into motion. A quick tip of the ASBO ankle saw ASBO flying arse over tit, landing awkwardly on Grudglewood Broadway, severely spraining the ASBO ankle. Fortunately, ASBO was so pissed (yes, I know it's hard to believe) he managed to make it back home to Cell 23-D, only to wake up in the morning with an ankle the size of Litomyšl Castle.

Litomyšl Castle - A real tragedy about the brick work....

ASBO was straight on the blower to Grudgey, who immediately deduced he'd been the victim of a dastardly plot concocted by the Cheating Czech. Grudgey promptly went about sorting out some crutches, but unfortunately, we were in England where Pharmacists don't see the need to sell cructches, unlike their counterparts in sensible countries like, say, Australia, or Grudgemerica. At any rate, ASBO's desire to drink large quantities of cheap pivo and tuck into a trough of hovězí guláš s knedlíkem meant missing the trip wasn't an option. Tomas, whilst feigning concern, couldn't hide the smirk of his face for long, and to be fair, neither could the rest of us.
Once again, the Grudge party hammered up to Luton to link up with GrudgeAir001 bound for Prague. Landing seemed a fairly regulation affair, though one passenger was so overcome by the presence of the Grudge party he just simply couldn't contain his delight. The team was quickly through customs and heading off towards Linka A and Dejvická, then to the Rudolfinum for a quick beer with Hsenim, a geek of unkown sexual preference trying to figure out which side of the plate he'll bat by spending a weekend in Prague. Suffice to say, the chocolate cha-cha merchant didn't show.

Onwards by rail to Choceň, or as Grudgey likes to think, by the Midnight Train to Georgia.

Upon arrival, we were met by Brad Pitt and Big Tomas, the latter taking the luggage back to the House on the Hill, whilst the rest of the party made a bee line for downtown Choceň, the action attraction of Pardubický kraj. Bar 1 apparently sold the best Gambrinus in Czech, and it'd been even better if we had this waitress bringing it to us.

tři piv prosim........Máš přítele?

Tomas hooked up with the local Cheech and Chong, whilst Brad attempted to hook up with Sally, an American exchange student who looked like she'd drunk more beers than the entire Grudge party that weekend. Crestfallen after the now traditional brush off, Brad decided to escort Tomas home, as he looked about as fucked as a bloke could be without being dead. (This is actually untrue, as we proved later in the week). Whilst at Bar 1, we'd managed to pick up a camp follower, Hal I Tosis. My worst farts smelt better than this fuckers breath. Perhaps it wasn't Cheech and Chong who finished off Tomas, it was this fuckers breath! All that was left for the boys to do was head off to the Chinese Kasino and work on tomorrows hangover. Stara and Kunda were the last to leave, sometime round 7am for the trek over Suicide Bridge.

Sunday: headed down to the Paul Dickov Memorial Bar (the first of undoubtedly many bars to be open in Choceň by footballers) with Big Tomas and Big ASBO -in-law. Whilst Manchesteru United and Arsenal battled it out on the big screen, the boys settled down for a few quiet frothies, with Stara and Kunda continuing their search for Czech Guinness, this time in the guise of Kozel. Nice move boys, that Kozel tasted like it was 'brewed at the source'! Whilst the football ground on to an inevitable Arsenal cock up, a vision appeared on the far corner of Choceň town square. Could it be? No, that would be too good to be true..........it might be... hang on, it is........

BARA! BARA! BARA!

In your face ASBO!
Bara flaunts her new beau...you're knocking on a door that wont open mate!

She just couldn't keep away from ASBO, could she! Christ, she was more of an opposite of town bike than I remember. At the time, I wasn't quite sure what effect this meeting would have on ASBO, but I guess the sight of his one true love in the arms of another (and a gormless dweeb to boot) perhaps sent him over the edge. At any rate, ASBO would shag tonite, the only question being, would it be animal, vegetable or mineral that would cop the ASBO schlong? Read on, the 20 questions will be answered.

Stara (or Kunda?), Big Tomas, Little Tomas, ASBO, Brad and Kunda (or Stara?)
outside the Paul Dickov Memorial Bar, ready to head off to the Sticky Beaver

The Sticky Beaver, home of the Czech Republics finest potato pancakes and happiest barmaid. Alas....the Beaver was closed for Sanitation Day....can you believe it? It'd take more than a day to de-Sticky-fy the Beaver. Back for a feed at Pellini's, an upmarket bistro on the chic side of Choceň town square. A nice feed of potato pancakes and pork, washed down by a couple of glasses of Pilsener had the crew primed for a big night at Choceňs showcase venue, the Chinese Kasino.

The Chinese Kasino....it's not all beer and skittles

Unfortunately, Brad had to leave as, quelle horreur, he'd gone and got himself a job. One Czech down, one to go thought ASBO, steam still pouring out his ears after Bara had rubbed his hooter into the dirt back at the Dickov Bar. Andrea(?), the new barmaid at the kasino was quick to get the boys onto the beers, quick in the sense that she emerged 5 minutes after we got there from the dark recess behind the bar to pour the pivo after finishing off a snog with her boyfriend. Tomas, ever alert to a lawn mowing opportunity duly checked out the competition, and found he was just another pencil necked geek like Mr Bara. What has happened to all the real men of Choceň? Are they all in NW2?

Grudgey headed off to the recently replaced roulette wheel, the previous one being destroyed by Dr Evil on his last visit home. Stara and Kunda spent the next half hour attempting to locate Village People songs on the juke box, whilst the Grudgeathletes settled by the bar to indulge in the only competition they seem bothered with these days, attempting to drink the other senseless. Andrea suggested to the boys a shot of 'Stancho' water, a highly potent form of the local destruction juice. ASBO went for the '82 vintage, though Tomas, ever the bon vivant preferred the '28.

Andrea: "Who's for the 28?"

Drink for drink was traded, and the bar bill mounted to something approaching £5 (!!!!!) as two finely tuned athletes attempted to destroy each other. Grudgey returned from the tables to gain a ringside view as these two Goliaths of Grudgeathloning went for it. I actually can't remember much of what happened after that, but there's only one winner, so let's see who it was.

And there was worse to follow....you can bank on it!

To be continued.......

You two pussies can't Grudge!

It's been a while between drinks, though not for our two Grudgeathletes, who've been supping on the lager for quite a while, inventing new excuses to avoid the Grudge.

"I have to visit Stork" say Tomas 'The Czech Wimp' Bek
"My knees are sore" says AS-but not sore enough to go to the pub-BO
"I have to go to Giraffe" says Tomas 'The Squib' Bek
"I need my Ukranian Flag for the East European set" says AS-United Nations-BO

Fair dinkum, this event should be renamed the Excuseathlon, or the Wimpathlon... nothing but cry offs and big girls blouse reason to avoid combat.

or perhaps they've been too busy beating up muggers and fighting in pubs

or maybe doing a touch of fishing?

at any rate, these two supposed 'super atletes' are more super 'excuse-letes'. About time they get their shit together and get back on the Grudge.

That little rant over, the Grudge party is heading back to Czech this weekend, for a little R&R in Prague followed up by, hopefully, two Grudge events, the Swimming and the chin ups. Not quite sure what excuses our boys will come up with, but it will have to be better than 'I've a hot date with Bara' or 'I need to go to the ATM to get Brad Pitt some money'.

Stay tuned, the Summer of Grudge is upon us!

Grudgethlon Shock...is it all over?

An accusation has been made to the Grudgemeister that one of our Grudgeathletes has been allegedly partaking in performance enhancing drugs, in an effort to gain the extra advantage needed to win this event. And no, we're not talking Viagra, which I'm sure was Bara's first guess. This is as serious as it gets in Grudgeworld. A guilty verdict here could see the end of the tournament (and to be fair, at the rate it's going, it's the only way we will see the end of it!)

Is someone on this?

Whilst use, and as night follows day, the abuse of certain Grudgeathlon approved drugs is not only legal, but compulsory for competitors and spectators alike, the idea that one of our finely tuned action men has turned to a charlatan, a quack, patent medicine man instead of Colin at the George to provide a little extra oomph to their game is replusive. What sort of an example to all the budding young Grudgeathletes out there does this set? Have previous events been tainted by this scourge? Was ASBO that shit at darts, or did he take something to make him that way? Was Tomas really responsible for all those gutterballs in the ten pin bowling, or was there something else in his Vegemite sandwiches that lunchtime?

Or this?

Some further investigation has been instigated by the Grudge committee for the Investigation of Cheating Bastards who re Off the Piss, and until their report has been sent to Grudge HQ, the name of the Grudgeathlete at the centre of this most heinous of crimes will not be made public.
or even this?

Whilst this announcement will inevitably result in much speculation in the Grudgenation, the Grudgemeister urges all concerned not to lose any sleep over it.

More to follow.....

Back on the Grudge

A Happy, if belated, New Grudge to you all.
The Twelve Days of Grudgemas are but a distant memory, Chinese New Grudge fast approaches, so it must be time to get the Grudgeathlon back into the swing of things.

The Cheating Czech returned home for bit of R & R over Grudgemas, linking up with Brad Pitt to finalise his tactics in the upcoming events. Should be pretty interesting seeing what Brad has in store for ASBO. I think it might start with a B, and end in arra!

ASBO, after a month or so of his gob being permanently open under a beer tap, finally sobered up enough to realise he didn't have a crazy mirror installed in his bathroom, he was a fat bastard. A month of forsaking the piva is the New Grudge Resolution for ASBO, who in between organising the West Hendon Temperance League has taken time off work this week to augment his fitness program with a 48 hour projectile vomiting binge.

Next scheduled event is the freestyle swimming. More details on swimming to follow, but be aware we are still having difficulty in locating a body of water within the confines of the M25 safe enough for ASBO to dive into without causing a flood of biblical proportions in the home counties. At present we are negotiating with the authorities on a venue, but it may well be we are forced to hold this event east of the Thames Flood Barrier.

The Thames Flood Barrier prepares for an ASBO belly-flop

Over the off season, both Grudeathletes have been busy preparing for the Grudge Golf tournament. An ASBO selected event, no doubt chosen in part due to the absence of golf courses in Czech Republic, this one has all the hallmarks of an absolute Grudgetastic classic for the fans.

If the practice rounds are anything to go by, don't forget your video camera, extra tape and spare battery, then make sure your Youtube account is in order, as you'll be spending the two days after the event uploading the myriad of hooks, slices, club throwing, temper tantrums and all round golf shitness these two will put on display. The Grudgemeister gave his old golf partner "Park a" Tiger Woods a call, and Park a jumped at the chance to give the Grudgeathletes a few pointers whilst the awesome foursome of Woods, Meister, ASBO and Destroy hit (literally, repeatedly and invariably in a fit of pique) the fairways at a prestigious North London Golf Club.

Park a ready to chauffeur the boys around in the specially designed Grudgecart.

After a few practice swings under Woods' watchful eye, our Grudgeathletes hit the first tee. Then they hit it again and again as each played a mongrel dribbling piss poor drive that barely got past the ladies tee. Grudgemeister and Park a both nailed a hole in one first up, thankful that with ASBO off the piss, the traditional shouting of the bar would cost no more than £5.75, as opposed to £8 million it would have cost pre January 2nd.

ASBO sizing up a putt, or is it that abandoned half eaten kebab he's spied in the bushes?
(add your own 'crack' pun to the comments section please)

Tomas keeping his cool despite missing another 3 inch put for double triple bogey

ASBO renews acquaintances with North London GC member Bob Barker

Whilst the Woods and the Meister traded aces, ASBO and Tomas continued to criss cross the fairways, surround themselves with more sand than lost camel jockey does, demonstrate a hydrophilicity previously believed impossible and throw more temper tantrums than a creche full of ADHD afflicted 2 year olds. 'Highlights' of the round included ASBO going for a swim, and Tomas demonstrating little ablility in one ancient Scottish game (golf) but a good deal of promise in another ancient Sottish game (Caber Tossing)

ASBO gets in a little extra swimming practice during his golf round


Tomas confuses his 7 iron with a Caber

"Park a" and the GM left the Grudgeathletes searching for lost balls on the 3rd. Last reported sighting of ASBO was in the water hazard on the 12th. Search and rescue teams are at present attempting to locate him.

Searching for ASBO

Tomas was last photographed trying to get up and down from the somewhere off the fourteenth fairway. Last know photos are below. If anyone knows his whereabouts, please contact 1-800-GRUDGE with the details.

Tomas yells "FORE!", but does anyone hear him?