You shoulda listened to Kenny.... really! Grudge 5, part 2 match report

The Greenkeeper getting warmed up for his trip to the Chinese Casino...

Day three commenced with a couple of brews for brunch, before we traipsed off to Chrudim for the traditional English lesson for the locals. As no high school bikes were available, the Cheating Czech had arranged for a bunch of Chrudim MILF's to expose themselves to our pearls of wisdom. The initial line up didn't look too promising, though I'd dare say once the Staropramen goggles were on, the Greenkeeper would have no problem with a 4-way goosing.

After an hour of foreplay, the Cheating Czech decided it was time to move from the classroom to a more condusive environ, the pub across the street from the Benjaminak. Drinks duly ordered, it appeared pretty obvious ASBO was the main MILF target. Grudgey tried using his tenous link with Kylie Minogue in a desperate but futile attempt to drum up a bit of business. The probing questioning eventually broke ASBO. He cracked, and stunned the Grudge party by disclosing he was to be married next year! Really? It seems so. In a desperate attempt to shake off the MILF's, ASBO let slip the nationality of Mrs CC. Really? Well, I'm not sure if the MILF's english was improved, but the Grudge team increased their Czech vocabulary by one word! Really, it's true. Really. Outstanding lesson CC.

Teaching done, it was back on the amazingly straight road system of Bohemia for the night's entertainment in Choceň. After a massive serve of sushi, it was off to the Paul Dickov Memorial Bar to see if we could catch Kenny, and meet up with Michael Phelps to discuss his ice breaking swim. The Dickov Bar was boring, even by Choceň standards, so we headed off in search of a dart board to further the now ritual humilation of Phelps and Big CC. 

As we emerged from the Dickov,  who was hanging out on the balcony of the Chinese Casino? Grudgey immediately burst into Romeo & Juliet, Act 2, Scene 2....

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Georgina is the sun.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious Greenkeper,

Who is already sick and pale with grief (in pieces),

That thou her maid art far more fair than she:

Be not her maid, since she is envious;

Her slag tag is but sick and green....

Whilst the Greenkeper fired up his HUSQVARNA CTH2542T, and got his hedge trimmer ready.

Fairly pointless using the hedge trimmer, as everyone knows that a slag tag and shaved pussy go hand in hand. One follows the other, like night follows day. 

Anyways, after assuring Georgina we'd be back, we decided on the Sports Bar, site of ASBO's desperate attempt to claw back a point in Grudge 1 by having a big crack at Barra. Anyway, before the darts, a bit of a test of strength, with the boxing machine. Phelps set the early pace, was passed by ASBO before the Greenkeeper thumped an 833 score to triumph in the non grudge event. Darts was won, and the grudge party cut down to 4, we ventured across towards nam Tyršovo and hit the Chinese Casino.

After renewing acquaintances with Georgina, we hit the roulette table once again, hopes high, beer in hand and the words of the great Kenny Rogers ringing in our ears...

more to follow.....

Water sports....... and other stories

Well, it looks like the Grudge is back on. After winging over to Choceň for the CC post nuptial piss up, the Grudgemeister and his assistant, the Greenkeeper (a man who does more than his fair share of lawnmowing), pulled into Bek Castle with Dr Evil and his chaffeur to be greeted by ASBO the wonder dog and ASBO the ASBO. But more on the Choceň arrival later. Best to start at the beginning.

With the demise of Grudge Airways due to lack of grudge events, the NW2 crew booked into a new start up airline from eastern Europe, Air Pico. Bit of a mission for the Greenkeper to make it to the airport, as he was oscillating from being in 'bits' and being in 'pieces'. Still, he made it and after stocking up on bacon sandwiches at Pret, we joined the herd and boarded Air Pico Flight 001 to Praha. Uneventful flight. Arrive 25 minutes late and it was a good job we didn't have any non EU passport holders involved, as we bolted for a cab and headed for Hlavni Nadrazi to make the 00.24 for Pardubice. No problems on that front, did it with 15 minutes to spare. Unfortunately the hospitable cunts that call themselves locals in Prague thought that way to welcome people is by having exactly zero shops open for replenishing the grudge parties stocks of food and wine. Really!

We grabbed a not quite empty compartment, our traveling companions being ipod man and matchstick girl, the latter appearing to be constructed entirely of matchsticks glued together end on end. At 0022, we settled down for the trip. At 0023, our prospect of an uneventful journey were shattered by the arrival of Mr OK. Mr OK, a multi lingual vagabond who travels with his own personal shopping trolley, settled down next to matchstick girl and after a having a crack in that direction, got chatting to the Greenkeper and Grudgey. Matchstick girl, obviously devastated by failing to snare Mr OK, did what all rejected sheila's do. Eat. In the next 20 minutes, she proceeded to chomp her way through 8 bananas, before necking a litre bottle of protein shake.

Tickets please! 

Problem? 

No problem for the Grudge party, but Mr OK seemed to have neglected to (a) purchase a ticket and (b) have any money to do so. A bollocking from ticket girl ensued. A desperate attempt to raise a bit of capital by selling an autographed brick to the Greenkeeper for 100Kč came to nowt, end result being Mr OK getting the ol' heave ho at the next stop. Fortunately for Mr OK, the next stop was Kolin, which coincidentally, happened to be 'his town'.

Arrival in Pardubice smooth, met by Dr. Evil and his chauffeur bang on time. Beers duly cracked, we were delayed starting the final leg of the journey by five minutes whilst the Greenkeeper pissed on a few Pardubice bikes. I'd say it's 5 kms by air between Choceň and Pardubice, 50km by road. Straight roads are as rare as hens teeth in Czech, or as the Greenkeepr put it, "I don't think the Romans got this far north". Anyway, the road trip finished by passing the highlights of any trip to Choceň, the Sticky Beaver, Chinese Casino etc etc, before Dr Evils' chauffeur took the Evilmobile over suicide bridge and pulled into Bek Castle, to be greeted by the aforementioned ASBO.

With the Cheating Czech being otherwise engaged, ASBO, GK, GM and Dr Evil settled down to a serious attempt to drain a couple of kegs before sunrise. Nothing much to report here, apart from the humping the GK copped off ASBO the wonder dog. I mean, there's staying power and there's staying power. The 4 legged ASBO just wouldn't quit! The GK's Adidas tracky daks took and absolute caning from that mutt.

By sunrise, whilst the thoughts of some turned to sleep and water sports, and others just water sports, the GK and Dr Evil headed off for a kip, while Grudgey and ASBO figured if we've got this far, we'd best make a day of it. 

Around midday (I think) the Cheating Czech arrived, with other legends of the Grudgeworld also making appearances before the main event of the weekend. World of Warcraft and Wendy popped over for a beer or three, Brad Pitt emerged, as did assorted crazy uncles and by about 3pm, Choceň's answer to Michael Phelps turned up allowing the games to commence, as they say. 

Grudge Event 5: Boules?

Bocce, Petanque, Boule... who gives a flying fuck what it's called. Best of 3 legs, first to 15 points wins the leg, no poofy tie breakers and crap like that. I could cut a long story short, but why break the habit of a lifetime? iirc, ASBO won the toss, and also the flip of the coin, so he got to take first pop at the cochonnet. The memory is a little hazy, but ASBO burst out of the blocks, got to a reasonably comfortable lead and it was pretty much red rover before it had begun. 1-0 to the ASBO.

The second leg was pretty much like the first one. A non event. A shit on. An embarrassment for the loser (should that be 'looser' Claire Rigby?) and his family. A complete, total and utter shaming of one individual by another. In the entire history of the grudge, I cannot recall a pantsing on this scale. I mean this was the butt fuck to end all butt fucks. An absolute reaming. Rogered by a rhino and all that.  The Cheating Czech triumphed in this leg, so that made it one all, with ASBO complaining of a sore arse.

Leg three saw the lead change several times, I believe the final score was 15-10 or something like that. Well, 15-who gives a shit you lost mate, is how it will be recorded in the Book of Grudge.

 

So that makes the score 3-2, which I'll change on the banner at some point in the near future.

The rest of the day was spent drinking etc etc, with ASBO making a guest appearance at the Choceň Baseball stadium to sing the national anthem during the seventh innings stretch. The game, between the Choceň Potheads and the Vysoké Mýto Bumbandits ended in a 5-2 victory for the home team.

Crowd before news of ASBO's guest appearence.....

The players and crowd erupt! ASBO is here!

That, apart form a late nite appearance of Choceň's Ice Maiden Barra, was that.

Day 2.... the big debate over the breakfast table was not yesterday's Grudge event, but whether the Cheating Czech should part with the pesos and by a Saab.  Apart from one notable exception, the general consensus was ne.

 The car the Cheating Czech should be buying...... 

or is it the Evilmobile?

A quick clean up of the previous evening debris before settling down for 'few beers' to map out a plan for that evening. Sticky Beaver then Chinese Casino sound familiar? 

The Beaver appeared to be under new management, the owner looking suspiciously like ex Richmond and Collingwood forward, David Cloke.

From the MCG to Choceň's Beaver....

'Few beers' here and a couple of games of pool, with a pantsing of Michael Phelps, the party headed off to Choceň's action attraction, the Chinese Casino. Why not Murphy's I hear you say? Well, in a nutshell, Georgina doesn't work at Murhy's anymore, she's moved to the Chinese Casino. It's not often you could say that going to work in the Chinese Casino is moving up in the world, but in Georginas case, it's true! Anyway, she wasn't there, so we'd have to wait til the next night to renew acquaintances.

Brief thoughts were entertained with having a couple at the Paul Dickov Memorial Bar, which was featuring a new C&W themed performer. We decided to cut to the chase and head straight for the Chinese Casino, though as we passed the Dickov Bar, we perhaps should have been listening a little more closely to the music...

Kenny live at the Dickov Bar

Upstairs to Choceň's finest nightspot, and the remaining members of the team, CC, ASBO, GM,GK and Dr Evil settled down at the roulette table for a bit of punting.

The Greenkeeper was cleaning up big time. ASBO, the Cheating Czech and the Grudgemeister were not exactly doing their balls, whilst Dr Evil was having a shocker. After an hour or so, the GK had had a couple of massive payouts, and things were looking pretty good in lawnmowing land. ASBO kicked a couple of big uns, whilst Grudgey was waiting for the return of the Messiah.

Daicos duly snagged a couple of 6 pointers, getting the GM out of the shit and into profit.... but whilst all this was happening, hráč 2 decided to get in on the act. Whilst the Greenkeeper was sitting on several thousand Koruna in profit, what appeared to be a computer malfunction occured. Somehow a 'mystery bet' of 1200 was placed, the mystery being in two parts, 1. How the bet happened and 2. What the bet was. The bet lost, and in an act as suicidal and pointless as the Charge of the Light Brigade, GK pumped the rest of his war chest back into the machine and promptly blew the lot.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away and know when to run
You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin', when the dealin's done

to be continued..................

Let's finish this off once and for all....

After having a discussion with other members of the grudge rules committee, it has been decided that a few changes to the program events will be made. In order to reflect the changing status of our grudgeathletes, who've gone from virile semi alcoholic party animals to boring jobsworths, all remaining events will be cancelled, and any points gained in these events will be null and void. The title will now be awarded to the first grudgeathlete to complete the following tasks, specifically designed to reflect their new 'boring' personalities:

1. Get married. Enough said.

2. Get a mortgage, and decoarate property according to 'wifes' wishes, pretending to enjoy the 'shared' experience of decorating together, even though all his former mates are at the pub watching sport. i.e. doing the things grudgeathletes did when they were 'normal'.

3. Change a babies nappy, getting plenty of shit in their fingernails then commenting to their 'friends', "It's not so bad if it's 'your' baby."

Maybe I'll be generous and make it two out of three. These blokes never finish anything. I bet they don't even finish their beers now. Perhaps this should be renamed 'boring old fart athlon' and be done with it'!

Fire up the Quattro, it's time to get this Grudge moving.....

A Grudge Update........

Three parts of fuck all happening in Grudgeland. Will this ever get finished? Do you actually give a shit? I'd suspect your answers to those questions are the same as mine. NO. NE. NICHT. NON. or in whatever lingo you speak, those two lazy pricks have as much chance of rekindling whatever athletic spark they had between them as the Grudgemeister does of carpeting the helipad on his cranium.  Still, while there's life there's hope. Maybe Warney can hook me up with his mates at advanced hair replacement technologies, though to be honest, I think I'm better off waiting for this to be free on the NHS!

So, in what could possibly be one of the last Grudge posts (hey, you haven't missed it, it's been almost 18months!), apart form the report I'll post after the Czech trip in May/June, we'll tie up a few loose ends.

ASBO has been sent down for seven years penal servitude in a coal mine in Oz for stealing not a loaf of bread as his forebears did, but for attempting a snatch and grab on a super sized subway weekly special sandwich at 2am. Was busted by three geriatric community service officers. Couldn't out run them. Enough said. Did spend his last or second last night in the UK in the nick. Well done Old Bill. Great to see the Bobbies on the beat picking up the scum of the earth for pissing in our high streets.

The Cheating Czech has been busy from all reports, back in Choceň renovating his newly purchased work bench in Pardubice, and according to Dr Evil, is breaking hearts left right and centre as he's tying the knot. One can only imagine what this news has done to the state of Victoria! Those of you living in the Czech Republic will know all about it, but for the rest of the planet, this is gonna be a social event to rival Holub's frozen river swim earlier this year. 

Holub, you'll recall, said the folks who escaped Flight 1549 should have swum for safety themselves, and not wait for rescue. In effect, they were 'pussies'. He said he'd swim the river in Choceň during the last winter. I guess the fact the water temperature in the Hudson (and Choceň) was approximately 0, a number Holub should be intimately acquainted with, as it also represents his IQ and Sperm Count, didn't register with Choceň's answer to Cro Magnon man. Of course, he squibbed it, as usual, he talked like a big man but ended up running away like a little boy. 

Anyways, Grudge and the Assistant Grudgemeister, who is at present in Las Vegas living it up, will be heading over to Choceň at the end of May. Earlier this year ASBO was rumoured to be gaining weekend release from the pit though the prospect of him turning up this side of the planet appears to be dwindling. i.e. he doesn't answer his phone or respond to texts. If you really think about it, it's probably a good thing.


Roll on the wedding reception at the Stancho Rancho!

oh, almost forgot, found this looking for some Gene Hunt images. Wouldn't you like to take these puppies for a walk ASBO?

Winter of DisGRUDGEtent

Now is the winter of our disgrudgetent
Made glorious summer by this sun of Choceň;
And all the clouds that lowered upon our czech-house
In the deep bosom of the stork.
Now are our brows bound with victorias wreaths,
Our bruised arms hung up for chin ups not,
Our staropramens changed to merry meetings,
Our dreadful marches to the Restaurace U Vrány.
Grim-visaged lager hath smoothed his wrinkled front,
And now, instead of mounting barbed kundicka
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
He capers nimbly in a lady's chamber
To the lascivious pleasing of Kundra.

So wrote Shakespeare all those years ago in his tragedy, Grudgard III. Scholars (and schoolkids) have been trying to figure out what the fuck Shakey was on about in this piece ever since the prick put away his quill and sent his play off to his agent with the covernote saying "Don't get screwed on the royalty deal this time fuck features, or I'll have to come down to London and give you a good old fashioned kicking in the cod piece!"

It can now be revealed Shakespeare was doing a Nostrildamus... predicting the future by collecting his snot over the period of a week, rolling it into a massive ball and flicking it onto his kitchen splashboard. By detecting the asymmetrical patterns formed by said splattered bogey, WS saw that the Grudgeathlon was gonna be a futile exercise, Why? Well, to cut a long story short, it's because......

1. Planned summer Grudge events in Czech were cancelled because Dr Evil had ASBO out on the piss til 3am the night before the Grudgeair flight to Choceň, getting him so wankered he fell over on the way home and sprained his ankle. How that prevents one doing chin ups I'm not sure (I've never done one, so how the fuck would I know?) but it did, so the Choceň grudge events were cancelled, leaving us to spend our time there getting shitfaced. Nice work Dr Evil.

2. "Oooooooooooh, I have to work at Giraffe!" Ever heard that before? I guess not, because Grudgemeister has heard it enough times for all of you. Anytime a grudge event was 'locked in', to the agreement of all concerned, I'd get a call off the Cheating Czech and guess what he'd say......yes, you guessed it....."Oooooooooooh, I have to work at Giraffe!"

3. You ain't getting off this lightly on the squib out score either ASBO, as his version of the Giraffe call was..."Oooooooooooh, I have to work at Kensington!" Work???? pigs arse fat boy!.. though I guess if you call sitting on your clacker watching 5 hours of Simpson shows work, you could call it work.

4. The Australia trip..... Grudge Down Under. A fuck up from start to finish, with a travel itinerary designed by the same dickheads who built this little beauty.

The whole trip deserves a blog of it's own, but in summary, no fucking events took place despite the Grudgemeister booking the MCG for the Aussie Rules kick. We did, however, get the 'bonus' event of Grudgeathletes shagging each other, well, that's what it looked and sounded like to the Grudgemeister when he returned home from the pub to find Tomas and ASBO in flagrante delicto making sounds not unlike that emanating from a pair of homosexual fur seals butt raunching on an ice floe near the Tierra del Fuego on a stormy July evening. Not only that, it was happening in the Grudgemeisters bed!

Then we had the 'watch Tomas do his arse at the Caulfield races whilst ASBO trousers a big wedge off the bookies' game. Never throw good money after bad Tomas, especially on a short priced favourite.

Thailand. Get an aids test son.

5. They are both poofs.

6. They are both lazy.

7. They are both lazy poofs.

At any rate, there's a special weekend of Grudge planned for the 18th - 22nd of December, when ASBO is escorted onto a plane at Heathrow and returned from whence he came, as the pricks at the Home Office finally started putting my taxes to work and not giving the skivving prick an extension to his work permit.

The 18th is a special Grudgemas party event, where both competitors can gain plenty of points simply by indulging in traditional xmas party hi-jinks. All details have been relayed to competitors under the Cone of Silence

More details to follow.......

Darts Report

Yup, it's 3-1 to the Czech, and ASBO is in a hole as big as, well, a real bloody big hole. I'm not sure if an extra spectator had any influence on the outcome, but both competitors were nervous and agitated in the presence of Stork.

The spectator causing nervous apprehension amongst Grudgeathletes.

Darts was 501, double out, best of 3 games. ASBO won the nearest to the bull, and had the first pop, and got away to a flyer. Tomas wasn't that far behind, and with ASBO on a finish, Tomas pulled a 100 pointer, then pegged out on a double 16 to stick it right up him, or, in a sense, return the compliment from the MasterCard ad

Scores on the doors, game 1 to Tomas

Game 2 went pretty much like the first, where the Cheating Czech just kept his nose in front, and when it came down to the all important finish, needing 43, Tomas plugged 11, took a sighter at double 16 then nailed it to finish off ASBO. The now traditional scenes of triumph from the winner and mindless violence from the loser followed. The Grudge party then retired to get shitfaced. Job done boys!

Scores on the doors, Game 2. Sayonara ASBO!

Victory for the Cheating Czech..3-1 up, ASBO in trouble. Stay tuned for more updates, and the final report on the last visit to Czech.

Darts on Friday 25th

Friday arvo, at the George in Kingsbury...the Summer of Grudge is upon us! Until then, a little something to whet the appetite....

Train to Choceň....100KčA big night on the piss in Choceň....300Kč Sticking it up your best mate's arse when he's pegged out at the bar........... Priceless!

For everything else, theres...